Christmas Shopping – King James version

I would that I will be forgiven if these gifts arrive not on time.  When I perceived that the Christmas season was nigh, yea even at the door, I immediately gat myself up into my Toyota picketh-up and drave to the marketplace with such haste that I did exceed even the limit of speed set by Ceasar.  Were it not for the grace of God, I would have jostled more than one chariot in the way.

When I arrived at the place of many marketplaces, also called The Mall, behold, there were great multitudes from every tribe, kindred, and nation, too great to be numbered.  Then I enquired of the Lord, saying, “Shall I go up into the mall?  Wilt thou deliver the merchandise into mine hand?”  And the Lord said unto me, “Go up,  for I will doubtless deliver the merchandise into thine hand.”  So I entered, therefore, into the mall, and although the multitudes pressed me sore, I did come out with gifts in my hand.  Then did I lean upon my Toyota picketh-up, and worship.

Weep not for all my labor in writing this lengthy letter, for behold, my secretary didst it.